Psychological game: how to detect it and how to get out of it?

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Psychological play, as defined by Karpman, refers to the type of roles we can enter into as part of dysfunctional communication. Karpman is a student of Eric Berne, founder of Transactional Analysis. Working with Eric Berne, he conceptualized a pattern called the “dramatic triangle.” This pattern is a psychological game that we can all get into during our lives. This game is so familiar and codified that it seems natural. In this Professional Coaching Minute, we are lifting the veil on this psychological game in order to better get out of it, or even avoid entering it.

Psychological play: the 3 roles of the “drama triangle”

The three roles we can enter into in these dysfunctional communication situations are as follows:

- Persecutor

- Savior

- Victim

To fully understand, let's take an example. I'm going to talk to a very good friend, I'm going to tell him:

” Are you coming to the party on Saturday?

-No, you know, I have young children.

-You could take a babysitter.

-No, I don't trust babysitters.

-If you want, I know one, I can recommend it to you.

-No, me, my wife, she wants instead... ”

In this situation I position myself in my attempt to be a savior, that is to say, to try to help the person while not necessarily having all the means to help him. And while he didn't ask me anything, I positioned myself. This is the principle of the savior, it is to want at all costs to help someone who has not asked me anything. And in general, it can end up like this:

” But anyway, I didn't ask you anything, leave me alone, we're not coming to the party. ”
What is called, in the context of the psychological game, the “drama” or the “switch”, that is to say that at one point or another, the roles switch and the persecutor becomes a victim, or the savior becomes a persecutor or the victim becomes a persecutor.

I can take another example in which I put myself in a dysfunctional communication by coming in as a victim, by saying:

” Yes, but I can't achieve my goals because I don't have the resources.

-Let's talk about it. What do you suggest? What do you need?

-I don't know. In any case, nothing is possible in this society. I will never get there.

-Tell me exactly what is difficult and what is not difficult.

-But anyway, I already talked about it, but nothing is possible for me. ”
So here, typically, the person puts himself in the situation of a victim and in a game in which the other person, no matter what he does, will never be able to solve his situation.

How do you get into a psychological game?

Sometimes you just get caught by a hook. Because the game, in the end, is when the person holds a hook at us, we catch them, and we tell them:

” You end up annoying me. Nothing is ever possible with you.”

And boom, I put myself in the role of persecutor. I got caught by the hook. So the communication that consists in not getting into the game, even if you play games almost all day, is to be aware of it and to say to yourself:” How do I get out of this, and how do I say: “Now, I see that we have a communication that is not necessarily very effective. Let's take the time to discuss it at another time.” and to put myself back in a position not to catch the hook that the other person is fishing for me and to ask myself and offer a constructive discussion. ”

So, each of us can have a slightly stronger tendency to play this or that game and all our lives, what matters is to be sensitive when there is a communication that starts to malfunction, to be able to identify whether we are taking on a role of persecutor, a role of victim or a role of savior.

Why do we play psychological games?

These games are played because there is a benefit in them, because if that were not the case, we would not be playing them. For example, people who often put themselves in a position of persecution, that is to say having a high, critical, and fairly brutal position, their final benefit is often to say to themselves:” Thanks to me, things are moving forward and anyway, you have to be aggressive to get things done and thanks to God, thanks to this behavior, I get obedience. ” So that's the benefit, that's what makes it possible for us to continue playing games like this.

For the savior, the benefit sought is to obtain recognition. ” Look what I do for you. And usually, yes, they get a bit “ungrateful” feedback, like:” I didn't ask you anything. ” So for example, with all the good intentions in the world, there may be a tendency for someone to want to “cocoon” me too much or to be a manager that is too suffocating, to want to constantly want to help me and the good will behind it is to want to support the person and to want to save too much, sometimes I get a rejection from the other and therefore my final benefit is to prove that:” You see, no matter how much I do everything for others, in the end, people are ungrateful.”

The benefit for the person playing the victim is being complained. It's about paying attention to her and taking care of her, being the center of the world. But very often, the victim gets the opposite of what she would like to get, being considered by others to be a persecutor herself. His dearest wish is to be at the center of concerns.

Psychological game: how not to enter it?

When you enter a game, there is usually a good intention. And so all the intelligence of communication is to say to yourself:” Let's keep my good intention and go down in equal communication. ” For a persecutor, it means being able to say:” There is something that does not suit me. Let's talk about it. How can we, together, work to make sure that everything goes as well as possible? ” For the victim, it means saying:” I can see that something is bothering me. I need to make a request. I need to express a need. But I can understand whether that's possible or not. ” It's learning to make requests and needs and especially to propose. And for the savior, it means saying to yourself:” Finally, did the person ask me anything? Did the person ask for help? And am I not going to just step in when the person needs me? ”

So it's all a question, finally, of self-reflection by saying to yourself:” Where should I put the dose so that communication remains healthy and constructive and that I don't fall into a pattern? ” Look for the hooks that people are giving you and that you tend to catch. Once you have caught them, know to exit the game by saying:” Stop, I think communication is out of control. Let's take a bit more time to think about it. And feel free to feel guilty because we're human beings anyway and it's not unusual for us to play very, very often. See you soon for another Minute Coaching.

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